I’ve decided to take a trip back to Nashville for a month. I want to see what it will feel like to pursue music again. This was no small decision.
I find myself crying this morning, a lot. I feel “gutted” as they say on the British Baking Show. (something I’ve come to enjoy thanks to my partner Kerry) The idea of having to leave my kids and my partner for a month to take this trip feels uncomfortable and upsetting. The tension between sadness from being apart from them and relieving because I’ll be creating more opportunities to make money and support my family, as well as feel creatively fulfilled has felt like a hard growth edge. That’s even after Kerry mentioning to me that she would be willing to come to visit with the kids. When I was in my twenties and touring all the time I quietly feared being in this very position. Hearing the stories from other incredibly talented musicians who were out touring because that’s how they knew how to make money. I was grateful that I was not confronted with that choice and did not envy them. They were away from their loved ones, away from their kids sometimes months at a time. At the same time appearing happy with the choices and doing something they loved. I couldn’t understand how this was possible.
I was crying the whole time I was walking my dog Kona this morning. Worrying about things like what if I have fun and enjoy myself without them too much. Am I taking this trip for me or them or can it be both? As you can see I slip into this analysis paralysis pattern. This happens with many of my thought threads. It feels like my kryptonite right now and a debilitating pattern I’m working on shifting.
Some things that have been helping me with this and light in the darkness are a few resources and some self-experience.
1. The first of the four noble truths of Buddha. To live involves suffering. That helps calm my mind and know that what I’m feeling is ok to be there. I don’t have to get attached to the thoughts I’m having (The Second Noble Truth – The origin of suffering is attachment). I can just be still and let them be there. I can watch as they pass by the same way you watch a car pass by while waiting at an intersection for the light to change.
2. An excerpt from the Book “I AM That” chapter 47 where he talks about watching the mind. Something that I’ve heard repeatedly from many teachers along my path but it didn’t stick. When I read this passage at the time that I did it began to sink in on a deeper level. The key part reads as follows:
Maharaj: “Realize that whatever you think yourself to be is just a stream of events; that while all happens, comes and goes, you alone are, the changeless among the changeful, the self-evident among the inferred. Separate the observed from the observer and abandon false identifications.
Questioner: In order to find reality, one should discard all that stands in the way. On the other hand, the need to survive within a given society compels one to do and endure many things. Does one need to abandon one’s profession and one’s social standings in order to find reality?
Maharaj: Do your work. When you have a moment free, look within. What is important is not to miss the opportunity when it presents itself. If you are earnest you will use your leisure fully. That is enough.
Questioner: In my search for the essential and discarding the unessential, is there any scope for creative living? For instance, I love painting. Will it help me if I give my leisure hours to painting?
Maharaj: Whatever you may have to do, watch your mind. Also you must have moments of complete inner peace and quiet when your mind is absolutely still. If you miss it, you miss the entire thing. If you do not, the science of the mind will dissolve and absorb all else
Your difficulty lies in wanting reality and being afraid of it at the same time. You are afraid of it because you do not know it. The familiar things are know; you feel secure with them. The unknown is uncertain and therefore dangerous. But to know reality is to be in harmony with it. And in harmony there is no place for fear.”
3. The self-experience part. It’s what I like to refer to as dark forces or heavy energy removal. In watching the ways that the mind behaves I don’t believe that it’s all coming directly from us. In my daily practice of learning about and removing heavy energies, I’ve closely observed the mind and thoughts before and after I clear something. One of the biggest ah-ha moments I’ve had is when I clear Transmortals completely. My thoughts automatically become much more still. I feel like I can hear myself think again. To go even further – the times that I fully cleared everything that is heavy energy thoroughly and completely my mind feels so still and peaceful that when I would even begin to engage the mind in a thread of thought it would feel uncomfortable and almost like a lot of work instead of just BEING. I feel Lao-tzu said it best in the [“Tao Te Ching” chapter 48
“Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done
nothing is left undone”
What that means to me is we spend so much energy feeling the need to take action but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction – that also requires another action to complete a task. For example, if I choose to use a plate when I eat then that means that in order to restore everything I’ve used to a state where it is ready to be used again I will have to clean the plate and put it back to its resting place. Alternatively, if I eat an apple without cutting it there is less to be done to consume the food so there will be less undone after nourishing myself. To me, that whole idea falls under the concept of essentialism. There is a book that I love that talks about this called [“Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less”. So, clearing dark forces helps still the mind in my experience too.
All these resources and experiences that I mentioned point toward resilience being a key ingredient in life. To let ourselves fully experience something, learn from that experience, and then grow from it.
Wherever you are in your path can you take a moment and start to watch the mind? As the Maharaj was saying – separate the observed from the observer and abandon false identifications. As I move through my current emotional wave I feel I am doing just that and it doesn’t feel easy at all.
Where does that leave me at this moment? A bit confused and wondering if I can let go of my ever-tightening grip or attachment to this need to be perfect and figure out all of life. Something I logically know is impossible but am often catching myself grabbing another book, reading another article, listening to another podcast – which inherently in itself is not bad or a problem. It’s good to want to learn and grow. But when you finally catch a glimpse of a sub-conscious pattern with-in yourself of trying to make everything perfect (something unattainable) because you see that people respond to you in a way that feels good when you are “achieving” something (like playing an instrument well), all because at your core that you feel broken and you need to be fixed (like so many things in advertising and society leads us to believe), because you don’t remember that you are enough just the way you are…then when and how you are consuming information is worth beginning to re-evaluate.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that as I do the deep dives and peel the layers back I know I am reconnecting with who I AM at a deeper level. That search and rediscovery of myself feel worth it.