No one wants to talk about their differences. They tend to connect over the ways that they are similar and avoid the ways they are different. This can be found in stereotypes like what you should and shouldn’t talk about at the dinner table. No religion, and no politics. Talking about our similarities is nice and defiantly feels good but it’s the differences that I find have greater potential for deep connection, which I believe is the intention that underlies why we are interacting with each other in the first place.
We are all unique like snowflakes or someone’s signature but I believe there are way fewer differences between people than we think there are. We get hung up on all the nuances of our individuality instead of remembering snowflakes are all made of snow or how all signatures are penned with ink. Why can’t we speak of or dialogue about our similarities and difference with the same degree of openness? Because our differences often feel exposing, like taking a band-aid off of a raw wound. They can touch emotional wounds of shame or guilt and so many more. Emotions that we have come to have unhealthy relationships with and subconsciously avoid like the plague. Think about when you start to question and ask someone why they do something? Add in the variable of money and people really start to emotionally squirm. Ask them why their product is worth the asking price. Directly you are just asking about the value to price ratio. Indirectly you are challenging them about the integrity of the product and why it is valuable. You are asking them to reflect or stand behind what they believe which is indirectly a representation of them. If they are aligned with what they believe and the value of the asking price they will have no issue sharing and explaining to you how they arrived at that number, the margins, the process, everything. Why? Because they want to create and support what they value, including valuing themselves (their time, energy, effort) and sharing with you the reasons why that is true for them. Let me give you an example of this. I went to the farmers market this past weekend in Franklin, TN. I had been enjoying the Remedy Bone Broth product a lot. I am also trying to find ways to reduce my expenses right now to support bringing my financial house into balance. This process for me requires a lot of asking myself what is of value to be spending my money on. In this case, I had found a Bone Broth from a brand that looked pretty good (Bonafide) and was only charging $7-8 for 24oz where Remedy was charging $16 for 30oz. From a very honest heartfelt place, I asked the sales rep at the Remedy booth “Why is there such a drastic price difference between the two products”? What is contributing to the price tag on your product? The sales rep proceeded to share with me all the ways that they make sure the quality is absolutely the best it can be. Visiting the farms that they source the bones from to evaluate the farming practices, recycling and reusing as much as possible, using the bone varieties that they have learned have the most amount of collagen to keep the protein count as high as possible and so much more. I could feel his sincerity as he spoke to me. In hearing all that in addition to my experience of the product aligning with what he shared, I happily spent the extra money on the product. In speaking about the differences we had the opportunity to feel a connection and find a deeper resonance with each other. This led to a sale of the product and peace of mind for me that it was worth what I was paying. To make a trade-off I get one of the Remedy bone broth and one of the Bonafide to help offset my expenses a bit.
As you can see when people are doing what they love and love what they do it’s represented in the quality of the product, in the way they speak about what they are doing, there is an openness regarding sharing information and supporting themselves, others, and their community. If this is not the case people say evasive things like “that’s just what it costs” or maybe they are secretive about their ingredients or processes. Why? It could be a lot of reasons. Maybe they don’t know about the product or maybe they are just a pawn in a big company and they are just needing to earn an income to make a living and took whatever job they could. Maybe they do know and are scared you are going to steal what they have worked so hard to create and take their customers and business – which means they make less money, which means they have to find a new way to grow and evolve to stay relevant. With the way the system is I understand how and why people end up in that fear-based place. I find myself there often. More than I prefer to be.
At the core and/or center of the tension between differences and similarities is opportunity. Every time we choose to engage with someone else and share/discuss both our differences and similarities the opportunity emerges for connection vs. disconnection – between the person and themselves, the seller and the buyer, the seller and their product. Why? Because at the heart of all of what I am dancing around in this article we desire to connect. Not segregate, but segregating is often what is happening. We let our differences define us and others with sharp rigid edges that jab, judge, and feel yuck. We don’t even realize the ways that we are segregating because we are scared to be vulnerable. Scared for someone to see a piece of us that we keep concealed and tucked away. Why? Because we are afraid they will not accept us for who we are if we show them all of ourselves. I am guilty of this most of the time but I’m looking at it. I’m growing my awareness around it and shifting.
Only in some of the most intimate relationships over very long periods one baby step at a time do we lift the veil for each other and show all of who we are. It’s really really scary. As long as we only show the pieces of ourselves that feel safe then we are going to be limited in our ability to connect. It will feel and is very surface level. We walk away from interaction saying that was fun but I still don’t feel fulfilled? Why? Because you are putting your best foot forward and trying to hide the other foot from them. Walking funny in hopes that they don’t see that part of you instead of saying here I AM. This is ME. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That is UNBELIEVABLY vulnerable to do. Why? Because we can’t control if someone else chooses to still love us when we put ourselves out there like that. Many of us are not emotionally prepared to stand tall and true in someone saying I don’t choose you for being that and watch them walk away or even out of our lives. That can be emotionally crushing and difficult to rebound from. Why? Because from that state of being our happiness depends on someone else. As Anthony De Mello says “That is the evil”. We depended on people day in and day out for all kinds of things but when we depend on other people for our happiness, “that is the evil” to ourselves and them. This is not all your fault. In all walks of life all over the world, this is the way most humans are behaving. We are depending on something or someone for our happiness. We don’t realize that our happiness comes from within. We are happy first and then anything else we desire follows that. Most people have it the other way around. They say to themselves “When I have this I will be happy, when I have (insert person) I will be happy. As soon as I lose that thing or person I will be unhappy. I will change myself and I need to abandon myself and who I am to keep this person or thing in my life so I can stay happy”. Letting go of whatever or whoever that attachment, is unfathomable to most people. I’m struggling with it daily. I was broken up that my dog Kona just turned 6 years old and based on the average life span of her bread she is already more than halfway through her projected life span. I became depressed and sad about the idea that I wouldn’t have her around anymore. My happiness depends on her right now. I’m not ready to let go. I want to be with my children and I don’t want to let go of a relationship with my co-parent. My happiness depends on them more than I feel comfortable with. We can’t wrap our heads around the reality that without the people, circumstances, and situations that we are attached to we might have a better quality of life. Alternatively, it might be keeping the people but letting go of an attachment to a job. There are a lot of ways we can hold on or let go with the ultimate letting go being of the human experience and passing on from this life. Imagine the possibility of doing that by choice instead of the body giving out? What if Jesus didn’t rise from the dead? What if he never died and was in deep meditation and then turned his flesh body into light and transcended the human experience? (Here is a drastic difference in perspective than the common interpretation of how the story is told. I’m vulnerably sharing. You can choose to be curious or just stick with what you know. Either way is ok)
Another example of holding on vs. letting go and being vulnerable is when people who identify as gay come out of the closet. They are exposing themselves to the possibility of not being accepted. You can prepare yourself for there being people that won’t accept you. The trade-off could be SO liberating and SO worth it to move through the tension. You are choosing to be you and no longer holding on to the people. You are no longer contorting yourself to keep them happy and keep you happy. You have surrendered to who you are in whatever moment and if people stay, it feels SO much better because they are staying for you with no filters and no façade. The relationship has room to breathe and is not so tense. It’s easier for everyone. If they choose to walk away and not choose you for you is that someone you want in your life?
Back to the original point. By choosing you and by being you, you have room and space to talk about your differences. Reflect on them. Room for understanding each other. Room to agree to disagree. Room to not just have one conversation about a topic but an evolving conversation about a topic. You are not trying to cram as much into every day and you can slow down enough to recognize what is important to you and how to value yourself and others. Using the differences to connect and unify. Sharing something vulnerable and someone saying, “I do that too”. Few things feel more connecting than someone saying to you from a heart-felt place “I’ve been there”. I know what you are feeling. That makes you feel connected. I believe we all are whole (connected and disconnected simultaneously but experiencing different perspectives of one unified consciousness). We just deny this truth far too often and it leaves us feeling alone and less than whole. You are whole, you are enough. Be well.